The other day, my wife and I were discussing a friend of ours.
She is seeing a guy who is, to put it bluntly, a dead beat.
She is now starting to get tired of dealing with him, but is simply afraid of being alone, unable to find a guy.

Now this is what sparked this posting. I (like most guys) simply do not understand women.
I pointed out to my wife, that men are very quite simple. As men go, we are quite primal in nature. All a woman has todo remember three simple things.

Now, before getting to these three things I, want to give a small bit of background on myself so nobody gets (a completely) wrong impression. I am happily married and have been for 8 years now. We have three children together (2, 4, and 8 years in age). I get along great with my wife (not saying we don’t have a disagreement from time to time). So, I feel that have a very good relationship with my wife.

To the point:
Ok ladies, to sum up my three things to keep a man happy – make it about us!

• Feed Me
• Love Me
• Fuck Me

Feed Me – I enjoy a home cooked meal. I’m not saying I need a fat juicy steak every night. I am quite happy with anything, hamburger mac & cheese or sloppy joe’s upto a full blown meal with the works. Simply put, home made is always better than some fast food joint. It shows us guys that you care enough about us to spend abit of time preparing something for us to enjoy together. I eat dinner with my wife because I know she worked hard on the meal she’s prepared. We spend this time to talk about each other’s day and BS. I always compliment my wife on her cooking (her mother taught her well). Tell me, when was the last time you were complemented for picking up a Big Mac??

Love Me – To put it simple, act like you care about us. Nobody wants to get their balls ripped off when they walk in the door after a long day of work. Everybody makes a mistake from time to time, yelling and screaming at us is not going to do any good!! If all you can do is yell at us, we’re simply not going to pay any attention because we’re busy thinking about payback. Instead, talk to us like a person. Simply point out our mistake like “Honey, you forgot to take out the trash today” and leave it at that. If that’s all you say, you’re more likely to get a good reaction and we’ll try harder to do better. My point is, if you treat us kindly, we’ll treat you the way you want to be treated and when we goto work and hear our buddies talking their bitchy wife we’ll sit back and think about how good we have it. We remember this feelings out of the blue, this is where those surprises and random “I love you”s come from.

Fuck Me – Ok girls, you know how you simply get that unexplainable urge to have chocolate from time to time? Guess what, you’re our chocolate bunny!! We can’t explain it, it just hits and we’ve got to have you! We have to nibble on your ears, lick your neck and rub our hands all over your body. Lets us kiss you deeply and passionatly then slowly work our way up to your belly button. My wife does not understand how she can be cleaning house, doing laundry, brushing her teeth or simply be doing nothing and I’m ready to take her. Remember ladies, unless we’re completely occupied doing whatever it is we do (our hobbies, or work), we’re thinking about sex!! There’s no such think as a “clean” conversation in our mind, if it can be twisted to perversion, it will be. If you want to keep your man happy you have to give it up.

I’m not saying put out every hour on the hour (though you wont get any complaints), but I am saying it is one of our basic needs. Hell, we don’t even have to be in “the mood” – we’ll take it. So, even if you’re not in the mood showing us “the love” shows you care (even if it’s to get us to shut up). Think about the number of things we do that we really don’t want to.

If you want us to be happy all day, there’s simply nothing better than waking up getting some action (a BJ is even better). Think about it for a sec. We’ll goto work with the biggest cheeseball grin on our face. When something shitty happens at work that would normally upset us – it’s not that bad, all thanks to you!!

Now, we have three kids, I know the whole morning thing is not easy to pull off, but there’s good news for you ladies. Guys are visual creatures, showing us some skin will give us a grin, shake your titties at us while heading to the shower, bend over that way we like while your getting dressed or rub yourself between your legs or body – all these things will have us thinking about you ALL DAY LONG!!

To sum things up:

Ladies – any man (worth keeping anyway) will meet you half way. If you treat us nice, we’ll treat you nice. If you’re nasty, we’ll be nasty. A man DOES think about sex in one form or another 95% of the time. If you don’t think so, he’s gay or you simply do not know him well enough. If you’re with a man you want to keep, follow these three steps. We’re like a big dumb dog, all we need is food, love and that special attention. In return you’ll have our lasting love and obedience. If on the other hand you come home, throw a bag of takeout at us and start yelling and screaming… well, we can get #3 anywhere!